Too Young To Give Up, Too Cynical To Dream  

One of my closest friends is experiencing the first time in her life a lack of ambition. She has no plan and her dreams that once were are now gone. In order to battle her lack of morale she asks others what they’re dreams are. Insight, motivation, any would do for her. 

When she asked me and it dawned on me I have no dreams. It’s never bothered me. I’d rather be stuck in the now and worry about the future when it comes. I simply told her, “I have no dream. I’m just trying to get by.” At this moment of time just living is hard enough so I’ve never looked to the future. It doesn’t bug me that I dont have a dream. Either way, no matter what we do we are gonna wake up at 40 thinking that we haven’t achieved anything, so why set myself up for failure?

For me, I’m looking for a job. So far I’m unsuccessful but im still in university. My lack of dream doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. My dream will come to me. Maybe. Most probably not. 

At this moment of time I still don’t really care. 

Being a Middle Child Sucks

I’m not sure if it’s like this in all families but TV and my own personal experience back this up. I have a weird family situation but essentially my mum has just me and my brother. So not the middle child here. However my dad has 4 kids and I happen to be the third. 

I’ve always been insecure that I’m the least favourite. One time my dad read my diary and I said he liked them more than me (as well as reading who I was crushing on, which for a 10 year old was absolutely devastating). All he said was that he liked us all the same. 

He could say that a thousand times but I wouldn’t believe him. That’s not the point either way. I just want to know why the eldest are the most liked because they’re the oldest. If you’re doing it because you’ve known them the longest then why are the youngest not the least favourite. Is it because you feel the need to baby them even though they are adults. 

This was stupid. I’m just trying to do this as way to make myself feel better. But who else needs to read a blog post of complete self pity? 

Happy Birthday To Me

I’m 21 today!! I went out with my friends and had a good time. We had good food, hella chocolate. I was happy. We sang and danced but towards the end I became uneasy. 

I don’t know why. I had this plan of the time I would leave and also exactly what we are doing. So I knew. No surprises. Easy. 

I couldn’t stay out longer than that. It just made me feel anxious. 

I have a small window of me actually being fun to be around. So maybe my time was up. I don’t know if it’s me being genuinely introverted or just feeling unnecessarily anxious.

Why do i feel anxious? I just really wanted to go home.

But I’m going to stop being a negative Nancy and focus on the good side of today. I had fun. Despite wanting to leave early. And also I got my rook pierced so all in all not bad at all. 

Can’t Help But Be Mad

So that sadness I constantly felt, well, awesome news: I’ve graduated from that feeling. However, now I have transcended to being angry. I can’t help but be pissed off with everything. If in the past people have thought that I have no have patience for others, then they should see me now. 

I loved university.. for the first 2 years. now nothing makes me happier than the thought of leaving. Maybe it’s not being pissed all the time but having no time for other people’s bullshit. 

Scenario: the person your friend liked who you never liked and you know he acted like a fucking idiot toward her, approaches us. They’re talking they have some flirty vibe and you point blank say, “all the guys in this uni fucking suck.” Then look at him straight in the eye. I actually dont have a problem with men, at all, however i would have confessed to a murder if that would mean he left. Obviously not even my friends appreciated that but I still dont regret saying that to him. 

I’m so angry that it would be easier if people found me stand-offish and would rather walk away from the little ball of hate.

Scenario dos: the person you dealt with for a year but really don’t like becomes to much for you. This girl constantly trying to buddy her way to my friends but is still rude to them. I have had enough and feel like I didn’t need to deal with it for any longer so I stopped. The way when they talk about her I just try to stop it in an obvious way and they say “wow you really hate her.” Most of the time I just say what theyre all thinking yet it blows up in my face. Being honest isn’t enough for people. 

My mum always tells me that being blunt is my problem. “You can say the nicest thing yet if someone says something meaner but with a sweeter attitude they will prefer what the other person said.” 

I cant help but be angry. I don’t know what it is. 

I am always the bad guy. When people say they are the protagonist in their own life, I somehow still turn out to be the villain in mine.

Today Was A Fucking Weird Day

So I felt like absolute shit in the morning and me being stupid and not wanting to speak about it with anyone. Just ignored it. Just before I left my house after feeling absolutely awful, I forced myself to text one of my best friends something hella cryptic. 

It was like, with no hello or any greeting just said, “is it okay if i vent to you about something even if you think its stupid?” Fully knowing she was asleep but it had to be her. 

I went to work where I felt surprisingly okay. Like I felt fine, not anxious or panicky. Eventually when I took a five minute break, I just started breathing really heavily and went to the bathroom. I saw my friends reply too. I thought I was fine so was reluctant to tell her about my brief weak moment. She persisted so I told her how I feel really sad and just wanna cry. The fact I don’t feel like myself. 

I only wanted to text her but said that I’d call her after work because she had something to tell me too. 

When we spoke she told me it was bigger than I thought and that her thing seemed so insignificant in comparison. She wants me to see someone. She told me to speak to my mum. She told me to ask our other best friend. She made me not feel like I was being dumb.

I did get home and had this whole family thing. My cousin was around along with my mum, dad and brother. So we had to do some moving and then when that happened, it was me and my mum. I felt awkward like I should ask her what depression feels like, so I don’t need to ask the internet. So once again today, because I knew I wouldnt get this opportunity again, simply asked, “mum what did depression feel like?”

She asked me, without knowing what my reaction would be, “why do you think you have it?” 

And thats when it happened. I cried so much. Like everything I held back just came out and in front of someone I really do not want to stress. Even those posts about me crying not once did I allow myself to do so. The last time I genuinely cried was when 7 years ago when my grandad died. So I was like a baby in my mums arms. She just spoke to me. But I couldn’t say why I felt like this or anything. She couldn’t pinpoint it just like me. She got my brother and once again I started crying. And, boy, I have never seen my brother so concerned. They are all confused. 

My dad then called and then I cried so much over the phone. And he knows I’m not this kind of person. 

My mum wants me to speak to her whenever I feel bad. She wants me to call a helpline if I can’t.

But it is getting to easy to cry.

Why do I feel so bad with such loving people around me? 

I Wanna Cry For No Reason 

​I just wanna go home and cry. Put on the saddest maybe even angriest songs I can possibly find and just cry. 
Possible candidates:
I Never Cry by Alice Cooper
Bury by Pay Money To My Pain
Tell Me Why by the Penpals
Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance
Dead Memories by Slipknot
What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy
When I See Your Smile by Bad English

Any other recommendations?