Waking Up From A Nightmare

The long exasperated gasp from air,

Followed by the hyperventilating,

The moisture from your forehead and on the side of your eye a singular tear,

As you burrow further into the sheets the flood from your eyes are just beginning,

The lines between reality and fiction are blurred before the first light,

The nightmares may not be real,

But the tears, sweat, fear all cloud your sight,

And the fear is the truest existence you feel.

So in the end you wipe your eyes,

And whatever is coming from your nose,

Just to lay back waiting for sunrise,

Remembering why you no longer wish for dreams.


An Excerpt From Something I’ll Never Finish 

What has been written is what I found today in one of my notebooks for a character I created, who you will clearly see is very cynical and kind of mean. This must be at least 4 years old. 

It’s simple really. There is no real reason as to why I am who I am. No one has done me any real wrong. There aren’t any traumatic experiences on system for me either.

The real experiences occur everyday, the traumatic experience I talk of is life itself. How people are conquered, humans are fragile and stupid. I guess this is what makes me cynical because there is no reason to be happy. Happiness is just an illusion. Any person, any character in a book or any being in a movie will without fail wish for happiness and wish they could see a beauty in the world. They would gladly revoke everything they believe in and betray themselves for this illusion. Then, this is called a happily ever after.

Already In A Better Place This Year

This is NOT a New Years post. I have zero resolutions and goals right now. This is a birthday post. Today I turned 22. 

People say that 21 is the age to be and for them it may be but last year I wasn’t in a good place. Looking bad at my posts it seems my slump last longer than I previously believed. I was just in a mood for about half a year where I just felt sad for no reason at all. Like one day I could be perfectly fine pretending to be interesting then 3 seconds later feel like I will burst out in tears. 

I had a lot of downs and then it got to a point where I had no emotions whatsoever. I cried more than I ever have in my life in that period of time. 

Honestly, I really hated myself for feeling like that. Not just feeling sad but helpless. Like I would walk home at night and cry. Then I would quickly wipe my eyes making sure no one would realise I was crying before I entered the house. I can’t pinpoint where it started or even where it ended but writing this kinda makes me feel how I felt then. But I feel fine, I feel like I’ve grown. 

I remember the tears, and how small I once felt. I even remember sometimes when people would talk around me and I would have those out of body experiences where I could actually see life pass by around me and again I felt helpless. I remember the anger. 

And right now I’m feeling good. Like honestly my life right now is not what I want it to be but I feel positive about the future. My mood can easily be put down because life wasn’t easy like I wanted or because I think I’m a shit person.

Last year on my birthday I had plans and things to do like survive university. Things which should make me happy and hopeful. Going out with friends and having a good time. This year I stayed out home watched sitcoms, exercised (Side note: I exercised 3 out of the 4 days of this year, hopefully I can implement this into my life) and just relaxed. When I felt down, people would tell me not to be alone or that having nothing to do puts you down. I can’t control my life but I sure as hell can control how I feel. My being alone didn’t make me feel sad, last year company would distract me from me sometimes but I would get anxious and sad and get the out of body experience would persist but I would have pretend to be normal. I like being alone sometimes (well a lot). But I’m hanging out with friends and family all weekend. And I’m excited. 

Happy New Year and enjoy all the birthdays to come 🙂


My Criticism of Critics: 90’s Cult Classics

A lesser known fact about me is that I love to watch movies, anything from absolute classics to things people have never heard about. A well known fact about me is that I procrastinate. By combining these two qualities, I choose to watch movies that are a bit trashy and use half my brain while watching. I start to watch a movie that I feel like doesn’t require effort then get massively involved. In the past few days I have seen my fair share of early 2000 bad bad teen movies. However, sprinkled in these I saw two cult classics which stood out.

The first being Empire records, which got called the Breakfast Club of the 90’s therefore after hearing that I couldn’t not watch it. The reviews of it were not as encouraging, it bombed in its initial release in 95 and had accumulated negative reviews. The one thing I learnt and will emphasise is to never trust critic reviews (after watching the disaster which is the Heathers and not being able to get past the first half of La La Land). Despite these flaws I sat ready to watch a mind numbing cheap knockoff of one of my favourite movies. The movie revolves around a bunch of teens working for minimum wage in a record store, they are wide range of different personalities colliding in this one spot. This job and the store is essentially a haven for them. The cast are very interesting, and you may notice a few familiar faces, the most recognisable being Renee Zellweger.

The first character we see is someone who clearly loves the store, this is Lucas who finds out that the store is being sold to a huge chain and tries to gain money to ensure this doesn’t happen. However, the way he attempts to save the store is by taking the stores earnings of $9000 that he was meant to the bank, instead he goes to Atlantic City and doubles his earnings (yay!) but then bets all of the $18000 and obviously loses it.

Suffice to say Joe, the store manager is pissed as he was going to use this money to be a partner in the new chain when it gets brought. Joe takes the news surprisingly well, and simply grounds Lucas to sit on the couch and think of a plan to get this money back. We meet more of the staff of empire records, one being AJ, a super cute aspiring artist who is infatuated with another store employee Corey (played by Steven Tyler’s daughter). Another employee and Corey’s best friend is Gina, her opposite being a loose girl with no aspirations. Another more minor but fun character is Mark, who we see occasionally rocking out.

One of my favourite character introductions was Deb, she comes in through the door and gives her two other female employees the finger as they greet her. I found her hostility unexpected considering how the rest of the group acts like family and it did make me chuckle. She walks into the bathroom and begins to cut her hair and while watching just thought after the first few cuts, “she can salvage this” or “her hair could look cute”. Then out comes the razor and her hair was completely shaved off. The other employees express concern in her state of mind.

Image result for empire records debra

The film spans in the course of a day and on this particular day they are preparing for the arrival of a washed up singer to attend the store who the teenagers are less than excited to see. Prior to Rex Manning’s entrance the store encounters and detains a shoplifter in a hilarious and ridiculous way.

Image result for empire records rex manning day

I will not go on to sum up the whole plot as I encourage you to watch it (or if it doesn’t seem like your cup of tea then elsewhere will summarise the film better than me). I went into the movie with neither sky high or low expectations, I simply wanted something reminiscent of Breakfast Club and wanted to be entertained. It definitely fulfilled Breakfast Club feels as there were some parallels in the certain characters, Deb being Allison. Corey being Molly Ringwald-ish and Lucas being vaguely like Bender. It was very funny and it could easily relate to your high school job, the time just before university. Some scenarios were out there and exaggerated but it adds to the quirkiness of Empire Records. I just want to reiterate that this is no Shawshank Redemption or Forrest Gump, with it’s random dance scenes and moments when you just say “oh come on” to the characters however I could easily re-watch it and it is an extremely fun movie. It may not be entirely realistic but some parts were unexpected and it certainly was enjoyable.

In it’s time it never did well, never found the audience or the footing much like underappreciated works such as Freaks and Geeks, My So-Called Life and Pushing Daisies. However decades later I am glad to say that it has finally found it’s fan base and developed a cult following. I feel like it was before it’s time, and teens throughout the years can watch it feeling an affinity toward the characters and the store, making it easy to relate to the range of characters. An added bonus to empire records is obviously the soundtrack, the songs are banging, except well the Rex Manning songs which are, of course, laughable.

The comparative movie, Dazed and Confused, also taking place in the space of a day and featuring an ensemble cast, most notable being Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey. Also the guy who plays Lucas in Empire Records plays some stoner guy and also in it is Renee Zellweger. I don’t know the names of any character because of how bland they were which made them all seem like minor characters. I will try to talk about the plot but can honestly say that there wasn’t a plot. A bunch of high school guys which includes Ben Affleck and Football Dude who are enjoying their last day of school, these events include getting high in the halls, parking lot and class, which apparently the teachers just allow. They leave their busy class schedules to go to a middle school and threaten the students there, as a part of “hazing”. One student is singled out as his sister asked them to take it easy on him which obviously means they will hurt him even more. They go back to school, smoke more weed and then are asked to sign a pledge to not take drugs while they’re on the football team. The rest of the team do it knowing it’s an empty promise, however Football Dude decides not to sign it because it means giving away his individuality(?) and beliefs because clearly his morals are so strong (drugs, cheating and beating kids shows very strong morals) that he can’t lie. Then they paddle the middle school boys and the girls are berated, by being called sluts and bitches, getting food thrown at them and then cleaned in a car wash. The biggest question mark is that it seems voluntary for the girls, as one girl is asked if she wants to join which she agrees to. While the boys are hazed for proximity. The boy they threaten earlier escapes from Ben Affleck’s sociopathic character however they later spank him after tracking down his baseball game.

Image result for dazed and confused hazing

(Me watching this movie)

The middle schooler is then invited by Football Dude to come to another character’s party. The parents decide to stay home after they see kegs being delivered so party cancelled. They loiter around, buy beer, knock peoples mail boxes down and then get high and drink. This includes the middle schooler, getting high and drinking for the first time. What is even more baffling is that the parents do not care that their kids drink or smoke marijuana in the house or come back at sunrise, not even if he is fifteen.

Dazed and Confused got positive reviews from critics in 1993 during it’s release and still to this day. I have no idea why, the plot is non existent, the characters bland and forgettable, despite the fact I watched it a few hours ago I can barely remember them. Empire records was panned by critics for its silliness and supposed “predictability” which are the traits that Dazed and Confused is loved for. They are making jerky characters with no inhibitions for the sake of them being like high schoolers who are more like burnouts, every character is pretty much the same and there is no character development, it is very see is what you get. None of the characters seem particularly familiar or likeable to me. There was no change from the start of the film to the end. it seemed very typical like every american sitcom ever but crammed into a space of an hour and a half. it even seemed like a bunch of dissaciated scenes on end. Everything spanning in a day seems too forced and the humour falls flat. I didn’t laugh once in this movie. However there must be a disclaimer, Dazed and Confused is said to reflect the American culture which I know from other movies but I am not american so maybe I can not relate to it as I never attended an American high school. However I have watched plenty of American movies and never found the culture an obstacle for me to relate or like a movie. Maybe if you are American you are the inclusive group who understand the charm but if not automatically you will not be able to understand it. Or perhaps it is even more niche and you have to have attended an American school in the 70’s to get it?

While Dazed and Confused was very lacklustre with zero charm and memorability (the songs were good, I guess), it met nothing but positive reviews. Everything that Dazed and Confused is praised for is what Empire Records is scrutinised for, where Empire Records was a fun watch. Both spanned a day but with more developed characters and day which marked some kind of importance in Empire Records whereas Dazed is much like it’s title with no redeemable traits.




There are those shows you watch, that you wait weekly for. The characters that you root for. The shows which you can’t explain why you love it so much. The ones that make you laugh. Make you cry. Then by the end when you have spent all that time with these fictional characters and just as you bid them that final farewell, the writers fuck it up.

The Mindy Project is rom-com kind of show starring Mindy Lahiri as a colourful hilarious OB/GYN. Mindy is awesome, she is confident, she pulls guys and has a good time, along with all that she is also accomplished. In the beginning shes a hot mess, actually shes a little bit of a mess the whole way through but who isn’t? Also I know I said that it was a romantic comedy-esque kind of show but I’m using that lightly. She has had her fair share of romantic encounters but they don’t feel forced. No super cheesy grand romantic gestures, not all the guys were the princes they once seemed to be and that is what makes it different to any other show.

Throughout the first few seasons she has had extremely hot guys fall for her, I love the eye candy and they were easily shippable. Some guys were real slimeballs, some didn’t last long and others came with an important message, however behind all these escapades there was Daniel Castellano, a colleague to Mindy and one half of the couple who had the “will they/won’t they” relationship. They had chemistry with the witty banter, they had friendship sprinkled with some healthy rivalry. After a few season of that sexual tension, everyone was pleased when they finally got together.

But no, that wasn’t when the curtains closed and read happily ever after, that is the beauty of The Mindy Project. They had problems, a lot, a lot of problems. In about 1 season the whole build up of the romantic connection was destroyed. Danny became the character we loved to hate, he refused to marry Mindy after he knocked her up, left her alone for ages (he was caring for his dad so we can accept it but he dealt with the situation horribly) and he wanted her to give up her career. Eventually I was rooting for her to leave his sorry ass.

It,s better to be alone than to be with someone who holds you back, that’s the message. It’s a message that isn’t often addressed especially with the growing pressure to be in a relationship, being single doesn’t seem like an option. This show did that, Mindy had her own business, thrived in her career and was a single mother. Sure, she wasn’t perfect but she was doing it.

Then came dependable Ben, I’m not going to bullshit you- I loved him. He was exactly what Mindy wanted, he was committed, he liked her and they both were divorced parents. But she fucked this one up. Constantly thinking she was better than him because he was a nurse and just in general, she didn’t treat him right. Just like how I applauded Mindy when dumped Danny, I was practically cheering when Ben found his self worth and declared “I’m too good for you”.

However the creators really had to make sure that bridge was burnt with this couple as they got together, got hitched and got divorced. Ben said “we should get divorced” atfer a series of events proved Mindy liked being apart from her husband constantly. Mindy simply agreed. He desperately hoped she would fight a little for their marriage but was heartbroken when she didn’t and that was the end for them. I liked this story line, I would have preferred it to be a bit longer but it showed how there was no spark in it for Mindy. It mirrored her relationship to Danny but in this case, she was Danny, oh sweet irony.

The whole way through we get a strong Mindy, who has grown up and wants passion but at the same time understands being single. Then again its fucked up, conveniently Danny is getting a divorce, after being portrayed as a dick for the past few seasons, and still doesn’t become remotely likeable, he is reintroduced as the love interest. While watching I couldn’t believe they were going to get back together and thought of it as a plot device to show why they would never work. However after watching the season finale not long ago, I was disappointed. All those lessons she learnt, all the reasons a relationship won’t work, all the battles won and lost, only to revert back to your old ways.

This was a step back in both plot and character development, to simply get back together with Danny just because she thought he changed by one gesture. Give me at least a half decent reason they should be together, not this bullshit.

The main thing was it didn’t fit into the tone of the show. I wanted an ending that was full of possibilities for Mindy not a not-so-grand empty gesture. Why make us spend so much time despising Danny for him to come back and try to make him seem like a half decent guy who deserves the lead character?

I always loved this show. An accomplished strong minority woman as the lead, it kind if reminded me of Ugly Betty, which i absolutely love. Mindy was super relatable, the episode which showed her rewatching the princess bride over and over, that is basically me. She was witty and likeable, loved to eat, was overall unapologetic about who she was which all felt so honest. It brought many characters and plot lines which were entertaining and Kahling did a great job as Mindy.

The other characters were disregarded by the end of it, a quick fix for a few of them which again were completely out of character. Then ignoring the rest (I really wanted on last hurrah for Peter). The running theme in The Mindy Project is that the guys are meh and the women settle, some character development or any context would have been great.

The ending honestly just killed it a bit, there were moments along the way which were great to watch. The end was cheap and clearly forced, a desperate attempt to end on a high. HOWEVER, saying that, as much as the quality decreased,  I will happily rewatch the show and I look forward to see what Kahling has up her sleeve next.



The Death Of This Challenge


I got bored of this so I’m choosing what I want to write for my last day; I’m going with “5 songs I love right now”.This is going to be hard because as much as I like music it’s not something I’m an expert in. I just like what I like.

1. Get Over It by Lower Than Atlantis
A band I just found out about while flipping between Scuzz and Kerrang, they are by no means new, just new to me. They are a British band (yas, representing the brits), which you can hear in their accents and is oddly refreshing. The drumming is just so great in it and goes with the lead vocals so well. I have had this song on repeat. If you’re into any kind of alternative rock I recommend you listen to this and I will definitely keep up with LTA if they continue with bangers like this. 

2. Swear by You Me At Six
This was released about a year ago but once again thanks Kerrang, helping me find songs I wouldn’t have heard otherwise. I’m a very casual You Me At Six listener but when I hear things like this it makes me want lay on the floor and put on a YMAS mix, and I swear (ha ha) I will do this. There’s an amazing part of instrumental and then when the lead singer starts singing it’s just so earthy (?), I can’t explain it properly so please just listen to it.

3. Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don’t) by All Time Low
This is going proper old school with this ATL song, which I feel like anyone into pop punk knows. I love everything about this, the parody talk show, the fight scene, and of course the actual song. It’s such a catchy track that you will find yourself singing. The music video is an added bonus of hilarity.

4. Rolling In The Deep by Go Radio
This is the only Go Radio song I know and my favourite version of rolling in the deep. A gem of a song I found while binging all the pop goes punk videos I could find.  There’s not much to say other than saying the lead singer has such a beautiful voice and it suited him so well, there were so many emotions which could be heard throughout.

5. Take A Hint by Victoria Justice and Elizabeth Gillies
Okay, try not to judge me but this is definitely my guilty pleasure track, it’s hella fucking catchy. While rewatching some old Victorious episodes and couldn’t help but sing this. Liz Gillies has such a great voice and I did listen to whatever songs of hers I could find on YouTube and I’m a little bit in love. One great diss track and I’m surprised Nickelodeon did it.

Honourable mentions: the entire Disney soundtrack namely, however I See The Light and I Am Moana. If I ever get married and I don’t play I See The Light then I’ve done something seriously wrong. Concerning I Am Moana, it made me tear up when I watched the movie. Don’t ever question my unhealthy obsession for Disney movies and songs. Phil Collins, Alan Menken, I love these guys.

Please recommend me some songs or comment whatever has been on your playlist this month. 


I’m Fully Over This Challenge 

I’m behind and bored of this challenge so this will be the penultimate day, even though technically I’m on Day 22.

Pet peeves:

  • People who stand on the wrong side of the escalator especially at rush hour (I feel like this is a really British pet peeve) Or stop in the middle of a crowded area.
  • People who lack the concept of personal space. A bonus is when they have bad personal hygiene like body odor or bad breath. 
  • Seeing kids rude to their parents, like I always see kids out with their parents wearing headphones ignoring their parents. I know it is none of my business and it shouldn’t bug me but it does. 
  • Rude people in general and people who bitch behind others back. At least have the balls to say it to their face. Add racist people and hypocrites to this.

    Please comment your peeves too (so I don’t feel like I’m easily annoyed). I’m curious to see what other ones there are.


    October Writing Challenge: Day 21

    This may be the most mundane thing you will read today but here goes. A log of 25/10/2017:

    • ​Woke up to realise my mum had called from the other side of the world 
    • Called her back and groggily told her the time 
    • Finally worked up the effort to roll out of bed 
    • Daily hygiene hijinks 
    • Eyeliner eyeliner eyeliner 
    • Quickly do some cleaning before the parents get back 
    • Do my hair and get changed for work
    • Daily dose of public transport 
    • Work work work
    • Get off and meet my friend for linner (like brunch but between lunch and dinner)
    • Burgers 
    • Crepes 
    • A catchup with a stroll through the park 
    • Continuing the catchup
    • Home time = pajama time 
    • Apply for jobs after I accidentally withdrew a previous application for a job I really wanted. 
    • The apprentice is on! 
    • Bed time I guess? (And by that I mean scroll through Instagram and watch some episodes of a TV show before I fall asleep)

    A Letter To Someone 

    To Mum, 

    Thank you for all you’ve done. I know we both mutually piss each other off. I know sometimes I’m a piece of shit. But thank you for your endless support. For letting me do what I want. Not questioning my life choices. Always being the happiest when something good happens. Thinking I’m actually good as I am. Thinking I’m beautiful.
    I want to let you know how much I admire your strength which is often undermined. Also, to say that you’re so compassionate more than anyone I know. It’s not just a mum thing, only you can be so compassionate and forgiving. It’s not a weakness, never let it be your weakness. It’s another strength.
    I just want to say I love and admire you. I also would like to say that I want you to follow those dreams you’ve had but didn’t persevere. I want you to make it. I don’t want them to give you a reason to not finish. You’ll make it because you are you.
    For all you believed in me, I know you can do it.

    Love from a daughter who doesn’t deserve you.


    October Writing Challenge: Day 19

    There wasn’t much to say for this one.

    ​This isn’t any interview I can be honest.

    My crippling awkwardness
    My ability to always look at the worst things in life
    My continual talent to put myself down
    Sounds like anybody else, right?

    I’ve always been called the black sheep but don’t necessarily know what makes me different. I guess self awareness is overrated.