A Letter To Someone 

To Mum, 

Thank you for all you’ve done. I know we both mutually piss each other off. I know sometimes I’m a piece of shit. But thank you for your endless support. For letting me do what I want. Not questioning my life choices. Always being the happiest when something good happens. Thinking I’m actually good as I am. Thinking I’m beautiful.
I want to let you know how much I admire your strength which is often undermined. Also, to say that you’re so compassionate more than anyone I know. It’s not just a mum thing, only you can be so compassionate and forgiving. It’s not a weakness, never let it be your weakness. It’s another strength.
I just want to say I love and admire you. I also would like to say that I want you to follow those dreams you’ve had but didn’t persevere. I want you to make it. I don’t want them to give you a reason to not finish. You’ll make it because you are you.
For all you believed in me, I know you can do it.

Love from a daughter who doesn’t deserve you.


October Writing Challenge: Day 19

There wasn’t much to say for this one.

​This isn’t any interview I can be honest.

My crippling awkwardness
My ability to always look at the worst things in life
My continual talent to put myself down
Sounds like anybody else, right?

I’ve always been called the black sheep but don’t necessarily know what makes me different. I guess self awareness is overrated. 

The Constitution of Marriage Simply Confuses Me

Still a little bit behind with this being the October Writing Challenge: Day 18.

Disclaimer: Single as fuck over here. 

Love is meant to be beautiful. Hard yet sweet. The most noble thing you can do for someone is love them.
Yeah, sounds like bullshit to me too.

Marriage is quite a common step after love.
I’ve never had an urge to die alone, but it doesn’t seem completely unlikely to me. I often joke about dying alone, no one would want me. I am not capable of love but the companionship of marriage is not completely horrible.

To be honest, it’s the expectation to be in a relationship is harder. Like for a young Asian woman there’s an expectation of marriage. I don’t care for it, not now at least, but it’s the continuous nagging.

I remember once when I was forced to go to a wedding. (I can discuss how much I hate weddings and how I kick up a fuss when I’m
forced to go but that can be saved for a whole other post.)

So like always I minded my own business, avoiding others and trying to look busy on the phone. But this older woman began to talk to me. She was nice and friendly. She began casually talking about marriage, which given the setting was not odd. She was quite accepting of my inability to cook just mentioning when marriage arises I will also have a desire to and can get my husband to cook for me. I told her that marriage wasn’t for me and that I’ve got time before I think about all that shit.
She was even saying that she knew a young girl who got married while still studying and she continued with it because her in-laws were amazing to her. Treated her like a daughter and had a mutual understanding.
She then began to mention her son who has an attitude like me to marriage. When she said he was 24, I just defended him saying that he’s young and you should let him do what he wants.

At the time I thought nothing of it. She was saying that he’s an engineer so I joked saying that he can hook me up with a job.

So when me and my mum went, my mum just goes, “you know she was looking for her son?”
I replied, “yeah, shes probably looking. Hope she finds someone nice.”
“I meant she was looking at you.”
And me being me just goes “nah she was starting a conversation.”
Wow I am dense.

Even now my parents keep saying that I should be in some kind of relationship.
I believe im destined to die alone. There’s nothing wrong with it. It makes life easy. But sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever start to feel lonely but then it would be too late.

No one deserves me. Not because I have that much confidence in myself but because not even I like myself. I can never give them the love they deserve if I don’t love myself. No one deserves that.

All we can see is how life slowly unfolds. 

October Writing Challenge: Day 17

“Hold fast to dreams 

For if dreams die 

Life is like a broken-winged bird 

That cannot fly.”

-Langston Hughes 

It might seem like such a cliche. Don’t give up persevere, blah. But to me, it’s so poetic, immediately when I read this I see the imagery of it. It’s so short yet so descriptive. 

It’s fairly straight forward, Hughes says that we must hold on to our dreams. If we do not then life is as about futile as bird without flight. A bird who is physically pained trying to do what is meant to do. That is the same as a person, without dreaming there is no meaning. It’s in our nature to dream, we get so down on ourselves without dreams. 

I guess there are the exceptions similar to a flightless bird. But even as a pessimist, a person will always end up dreaming otherwise we will get nothing done. 

It’s simple yet effective.

October Writing Challenge: Day 16

Happiness is.. 

The first bite of an extra chocolate cake
The feeling when someone says they were thinking of you
Meeting a friend after a long time
Being with the ones you love
Buying yourself that new shirt or shoes
Listening to your favourite song
Saying your favourite joke

Happiness is everywhere

Don’t miss out on the smallest things that make you happy. No matter how small or vain the indulgence is, as nevertheless it’s still happiness. In this life, it isn’t always the only option so when it is, take it.

Remember there are two sides of the coin and both can never be happiness. 

October Writing Challenge: Day 15

In a word: escapism. I like not thinking about what ever has me feeling down. I avoid problems. 

So when I feel down, I binge watch something. Read a book. Browse online. What makes me feel better is not thinking about things. When I feel like the problem is small enough or I acquire some courage to deal with it then I do but only after I’ve avoided the problem for a long enough time and possibly made it worse. I just like to step back and think about it.

I would like to just escape from my problems constantly. So escapism is there but it’s not the solution. For a while you can have problems that aren’t yours, you know it doesn’t affect you. There’s no consequences and no risk. It’s good for a while. At the very least. 

October Writing Challenge: Day 14

I’m worried I’ll be in a dead end job with incompetent managers. I’m worried I wont be content with what I have. I’m worried I’ll die knowing how it started. 
As much as I say I don’t miss uni, I miss the memories. I miss avoiding all responsibility. Skipping lectures to eat with your friends. Have no cares even though I should care. Not worrying about what’s next. 

Even though I only work part time, maybe less than part time. I just wanna blow off work one day and do everything I’m not meant to. Pull a sickie and then meet my friends to chill and grab dessert. 

I hate that I need to think about what’s next. I hate that I have no clue. I hate there’s a voice inside me that I’ll spend my whole life trying to figure it out. As a result I hate that I might never be happy with this grating voice. 

I just worry that I’ll never do what I want. 

I worry I may never find what I want.

October Writing Challenge: Day 13

What inspires you? My goodness, I’ve exhausted this topic but here we go… 
I don’t have a specific person or thing which inspires me. I get my creativity in bursts from different factors.

Usually while I procrastinate maybe watching a TV show or even listening to a song, I get an odd spurt of inspiration. I had so much motivation while reading Bakuman (a manga) a few years ago, the guy in there was so admirable. While in highschool a classmate got him to team up to become a mangaka. As a result, he had to keep up with education  (the exams in japan are an actual craziness) and still spent most of his days aspiring to be a mangaka. He was constantly working to his goal and it inspired me to do what I love.
Another time was when I was watching a kurt cobain documentary and seeing nirvana rise to fame really inspired me.

Other than fictional characters or people I don’t know, my family. They constantly inspire me. Like I know them so well but they can tell me something about themselves which surprise me and make me respect them more.
My mum’s unconditional love.
My dad’s jack of all trades personality.
My brothers determination.
They all inspire me.

So while I can’t guarantee one thing to inspire me, I have many things that do. And many things in the future that will.
Without doubt, my inspiration comes down to me trying to better myself. I’m not the person I want to be, not yet at least. 

October Writing Challenge:Day 12

It seems these challenges want me to continuously talk about my faults, all the problems I’ve faced past and present have all stemmed from me. From my own doings, my very own actions. 

The most recent problem I’ve had was actually today. On Saturday I used my laptop all day after neglecting it for a month, I wrote some fiction and updated my latest short story. My brother wanted to use my laptop so I logged out and let him log into his own account and BAM black screen. My confident “nah man don’t worry, give it a minute.” 30 minutes passed and nothing. Literally just a black screen. I spent the entirety of Saturday trying to figure it out. Eventually, I got a blue screen and unsuccessfully could not get it to reset. Like nada.
I don’t know of you have this ego thing where you just feel like you can do it. Like with no unearned confidence but nevertheless you convince yourself you know what you’re doing even if you’re a complete novice. That was me, I preserved, I watched many youtube videos and read endless forums. Alas, I did not prevail. I spent Sunday admitting defeat and in the evening had a burst of confidence once again leading to me trying with no outcome.
I decided to leave it to the big guns. Go to the place that sold me it. I was reminded of Carrie going to the Tech Support and being hella extra by wrapping her computer in a pashmina while being rude to Aiden.

I think I mention my love for Aiden too much but look at him, he’s great-look at that level of support.

Even the person there couldn’t fix it.
So I had the hardest goodbye of my life so far. Bidding adieu to my laptop. For about 6 weeks, max.
I don’t rely on my laptop for much but when I have a burst in writing creativity or job applications it’s there. So for now I will have to update blog posts solely on my phone like I did when I first started my blog. However, work I previously had on it will now be gone. Believe me when I say that no best sellers on it but even if it was crap, I like to read over my work. For nostalgia at the very least.

Moral of the story, always back up.

Sometimes it astounds me shes a writer who claims her life is on that computer yet doesn’t know the term back up. Before anyone says it I understand she’s fictional.

October Writing Challenge: Day 11

This connects back to day 5 which highlights the fact that there are quite a lot of areas of my life I would like to improve. Just to save time here are a few goals that I wanna make sure I stop ignoring. 

1. Do a blog post twice a week
2. Start writing, 2 pages a day
3. Exercise 3-4 times a week
4. Get a new job by 2018